Oh My...

Today was simultaneously the BEST and WORST class ever. I am blogging not 3 min after getting home in order to help sort out my thoughts- and there are many.

We started off with a Rama circle, in which I gathered that we were supposed to improve the story of Ramayana, but since I missed last class I did not what to do. And no one stepped in - this led to a LONG conversation about where we are now and what we want and what is bothering us. And things were said and somehow I ended up speaking. Essentially this is what I said:
-this class is hard because we are supposed to be a community SO extremely different from anything we are used to
-how am I supposed to want to be part of this all sharing all helping all understanding community when I know that I will leave class and enter 'the real world' or the world that we (as college ages Americans) know it
-this community is such a small percent of my life, how do I change for it
-I do not know how to do well in this community because there is no standard, no specific steps or goals, and of course I want to do well (not to be the best or close but for my own value of success)
No one said anything after I spoke, so needless to say, I felt horrible and seriously wondered about this community.

I question how I am supposed to be part of this community of 30+ people that I don't know at all. I question the beliefs and spirituality that I think the guru is asking us for. Maybe I am cynical, but I do not have a belief in this higher spirit. I can learn and study and appreciate the cultural studies of this class and I can do the movements and learn the dances, but I do not and don't think I will ever have that higher understanding. AND if that is the case... I am the roadblock for our class, I am what will hinder us moving on.

AFTER ALL OF THIS....
during our ten min break both Sarah and Kalyani (sp?) spoke to me, both agreeing with what I said, letting me know that I was not alone. THANK YOU! ha, it made me feel so much better for not being alone and feel better about the community. It also led me to believe I am not the only roadblock bc other people feel the way I feel.

Then we had a massive monkey begging fight and all the tension was gone form the room and we were just a group again.

I dont know what to feel! Mostly I am upset.